Find Your Gold: From Casino Parking-Lot Breakdowns to a Life That Finally Feels Like Mine

Lexie Loman
Dec 9, 2025
4 min read

Thinking Out Loud – Episode 6: “Thunder & Rage”

By Lexie Loman, Licensed Therapist & Founder of Lighthouse Mental Wellness

Have you ever looked around at the life you built — the degrees, the family, the career, the house, the hobbies — and still felt completely empty?

You smile for the photos, but the second you’re alone you fall apart.

That was me for SO MANY YEARS.

And in Episode 6 of Thinking Out Loud I got raw, pulled out my guitar, and shared the song I wrote in the middle of my storm — plus the one question that finally ended the people-pleasing cycle.

The Hidden Cost of “Having It All”

Somewhere along the way I learned that love and worthiness meant abandoning myself so everyone else could stay comfortable. I was the golden child, the easy kid, the responsible one, the peace-keeper who never needed anything. And before I knew it, caring turned into carrying—and I was collapsing under the weight.

Here’s the truth I wish someone had told 2018 Lexie while she was sobbing in a casino parking lot at 2 a.m.:

Caring feels like connection.

Carrying feels like disappearing.

Caring is “I see you.”

Carrying is “I’ll erase my needs so you never have to feel uncomfortable.”

Caring is empathy.

Carrying is self-betrayal.

Caring says, “I’m here.”

Carrying says, “I’ll become small so you can stay big.”

Drop your favorite line below — which one hit hardest? I’ll reply to every single comment because I know how lonely this season can feel.

In 2018, I was living the dream:

Bachelor’s in Psychology (in 3 years..a story of people-pleasing for another time)
Master’s + extra semester so I could get my therapy license
Traveling the world playing original music (Oklahoma, Texas, Arkansas, Colorado, Kansas → Ireland)
Husband, son, new house, closet full of clothes (the American Dream)

Behind the scenes?

Casino parking lots at 2 a.m. Panic attacks clawing at my chest. Wondering if this was how my life was going to be forever. Paycheck-to-paycheck because gig money funded travel and gambling. My brand-new business carrying an entire family while I swallowed every “no” to keep the peace.

I was people-pleasing on steroids.

I checked every box that was supposed to "fix" me — therapy, journaling, diet, exercise — and still sobbed the moment no one was watching (because I couldn’t possibly let anyone know I wasn’t perfect...after all, I was a therapist, I was supposed to know better, do better, be better).

If you’re a high-achieving woman hiding your pain behind success, this is your sign:

You’re not broken.

You’re waking up.

The Sigil, the Song, and the Question That Rewired My Brain

One rock-bottom night, doom-scrolling Pinterest, I found a sigil:

It means “I will lead a life I love.”

I screenshot it. Made it the background on my phone for years.

It became my quiet rebellion.

From there I started asking myself one question every single day:

“What would my life look like if I stopped abandoning myself?”

That question led to:

Journaling every fight and manipulation (so I could finally see I wasn’t crazy)
Saying no to another casino stop
Waking up at 4:30 a.m. for jiu-jitsu (my body, my time, my choice)

Every tiny “yes” to me was literally rewiring my brain through neuroplasticity.

Self-worth → self-trust → unshakable confidence.

Now I can show up for myself and the people I love and care about without abandoning me.

And yes — I wrote a whole song about it while I was still in the marriage.

It’s called Thunder & Rage.

The chorus goes:

“I see a rainbow through the clouded sky…”

That sigil was a rainbow that led me to a pot of gold.

It wasn’t wishful thinking.

It was a promise I was making to my nervous system — and my brain was listening.

Your Pot of Gold Isn’t More Applause

My pot of gold was never a man, money, or a bigger stage.

It was waking up inspired, filled with energy, and looking forward to the day.

Feeling confident in my own skin.

Slowing down and actually enjoying small moments.

Looking around with tears of gratitude, thinking,

“I did this. I built a life that feels like MINE.”

Close your eyes for 10 seconds and ask yourself the same question:

What would YOUR life look like if you stopped abandoning yourself to people-pleasing, perfectionism, peace-keeping, and box-checking?

That vision isn’t fantasy.

It’s your future — if you start today.

Weekly Affirmation (save this)

“I am worthy of a life that feels like mine — one small yes to me at a time.”

Weekly Poll (answer below!)

If you chose yourself tomorrow, what would change first?

A) I’d set real boundaries

B) I’d feel joy instead of resentment

C) I’d finally rest without guilt

D) Something else — tell me!

3 Tiny Steps to Start Finding Your Gold Right Now

Ask the question every morning
Take ONE micro-action that scares you (even if it’s 5 minutes)
Track it — every win releases dopamine and carves a new pathway

If you’re reading this and your chest just got tight because you felt SEEN… That tightness? That’s your signal. You’re ready.

Want the exact 5-day process that’s helped hundreds of women pinpoint their #1 self-abandonment pattern and practice choosing themselves without guilt?

Comment GOLD below and I’ll DM you the free 5-Day Uncover You Challenge instantly (or click here: https://lighthouseokc.com/uncover-you)